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In Honour of Dr Ben Cummings

By Katie Lamb Join Me

Help me reach my goal of £5,000

Intro

Rethink Mental Illness is the chosen charity in honour of Ben. Rethink does incredible work in providing support, information, and advocacy for people living with mental illness. By donating, you're helping to ensure that vital services are available to those who need them most.

I will be taking on the Medieval Backyard Ultra with the goal of completing 30 laps as Ben would've turned 30 in March of this year. 

Thank you in advance for your contributions 💚

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My Updates

About Time

Sunday 30th Mar
I first watched the film About Time in 2019 alone in my granny annex flat near Grove Park in London. Not only does it tell a captivating story full of romance, heartbreak, and magic, the main couple is comprised of an American woman and British man, which made it feel relatable. Ben also always swore up and down that I looked like Rachel McAdams. I knew I had to show Ben this film right away so I watched it again with him the next weekend I visited him in Swansea. I was pleased to find out he enjoyed it nearly as much as I did.

We revisited the film a few years later and watched it while cuddled up with several blankets, pillows, and our duvet. This time around Bella was snuggled between us, perfectly nestled into a small gap between our legs that we specifically made for her. As the film drew to a close we looked down at our hands, which we often had intertwined together. But what made this moment special was that Bella had perfectly placed her paws on top of our hands too. The three of us sat snuggled together, fully enjoying that present moment as the credits rolled.

From that day on, we vowed to watch About Time together on the same day every year, 13 January. There was no particular reason for that date other than it being the day we'd watched it alongside Bella and shared such a special moment. So on 13 January, in the dead of winter each year, I'd get a notification on my phone reminding us to watch it. Putting on About Time felt like a cozy cuddle but also provided a yearly reminder to enjoy the present moment. 

If you haven't seen this extraordinary film already, please promise you'll watch it the next chance you get.

“I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.”

Love & Pain

Monday 24th Mar

Ben and I referred to ourselves as “Power Couple”. It might sound big headed, but to us it signified how we felt that when we were together we had the power to achieve anything. We accomplished so much as a team. We always practised our presentations for each other - “I wasn’t nervous at all when I did my presentation because you’d been so hard on me during our practice!”. We both disliked the mundane tasks of meal planning and cooking, so we collaborated on our weekly menus and shared the tasks of cooking and cleaning (you cook, I clean). We cheered each other on in our own way “She/he doin’ it!”, “Proud of you!”, “Smashing it!”. And we fought hard to be together.

But grief is complicated. And so was my relationship with Ben. I’ve been sharing pieces of his life each week because he meant so much to me, but this week has been hard. It’s been a year since our relationship changed forever, and I’m feeling a lot of conflicting emotions. I’m grieving the loss of the Ben that I love so deeply, while also struggling with the pain of how our relationship deteriorated. Loving someone who was hurting so much that they hurt you too is something I’m still trying to process. It’s messy and it’s confusing. Some days I want nothing more than to talk to him again and other days I can’t bear to look at photos of him.

I’m sharing this because love and pain can coexist. Because grief isn’t always beautiful or simple. And because I still want to honour him, even when it’s difficult, as well as honour the journey I’ve been on. Through the support groups I’ve joined since Ben’s passing, I’m learning how common this thread is - losing someone before they’re gone forever. While honouring all of my emotions, I am also reminding myself that the last years of Ben’s life do not define him.   

I’m learning that grief isn’t something you conquer, it’s something you learn to live with. As much as it hurts at times, I’m also finding moments of healing and connection along the way. Sharing Ben’s story is part of that healing. Thank you for being here with me and for supporting Rethink Mental Illness. Your kindness means more than words can say.

Happy Birthday My Love 💚

Sunday 16th Mar
I loved any excuse to spoil Ben and his birthday was no exception. If anything, it gave me permission to go over the top.

One year I booked us a fancy hotel in London and arrived a few hours before him so I could set up decorations and plant a note outside a block away with a riddle on it for him to figure out where I was. I’d used the hotel’s stationery, which had the address printed on it and wrote 'Don’t overthink it'. A half an hour went by so I messaged him asking where he was. He called me and said “I can’t figure out where you are! I’ve been into all the shops and restaurants around where I found the note but no one has seen you. Where are you??” I chuckled and responded, “I told you not to overthink it!”. Fifteen seconds of silence passed while he reevaluated what I meant and then it dawned on him. He said, “Ah! Wow, I REALLY over thought that! See you soon!”. We shared some cake and champagne at the hotel before enjoying a lovely lamb dinner. We went back to the hotel fully intending to head back out to Hoxton to see some live jazz at midnight but were fast asleep by 10:00pm.

Ben had told me he wanted to go go-karting one year so I made it happen. For whatever reason I planned for us to go to a track in Haverfordwest. For anyone who isn't familiar with Haverfordwest, it's practically a ghost town this time of year. We had to laugh at how little there was for us to do beside go-karting. But at the same time, it was kind of nice because it felt like we’d rented out an entire town for his birthday. We walked along the river and sipped on the strangest thing we could order from the only cafe that was open - beetroot lattes.

For another birthday, I thought I'd bought us tickets to see the Arctic Monkeys when in actually I'd bought us tickets to see the Antarctic Monkeys - a tribute band for the Arctic Monkeys. Despite not being the real thing, we had the best time. A few years later we ended up going to one of their shows again, this time on purpose, because we enjoyed it so much. 

Last year we went to Cyprus for his birthday and spent most of the trip stopping to pet and name all the cats we came across. At dinner, while all the other tables were trying to shoo the cats away, we were actively trying to coax them over. We would look at eachother and giggle with delight when one would come over and brush against our legs or puts its paws up on our chair to get closer to us (and our food).

I finished writing this post a few days ago but I couldn't figure out how to conclude it - there really is no way to. Though I have continued my tradition of spoiling him, I'm sad I'll never get to experience him enjoying it and making memories alongside me again.



You were always the perfect partner in crime for all my wild plans. The memories we created together will live on forever in my heart. You may not be here to celebrate your birthdays with me, but I will continue to celebrate you every day. Happy Birthday my love 💚

いつも (Always)

Wednesday 5th Mar

Among many things, we shared a love for Japanese culture. We'd planned to spend our 5th marriage anniversary in Japan. As I mentioned in a previous post, Ben absolutely loved sushi. We even attempted to make it ourselves a few times, with varying success. When he was ill I would make him miso soup and he swore it healed him quicker.

The main way we enjoyed Japanese culture was through art. Our shower curtain was Katsushika Hokusai's Wave. He had several notebooks with Hokusai's art on them too. We visited Yayoi Kusama's exhibit at the Tate Modern and saw an incredible live performance of My Neighbour Totoro at the Barbican. Through lockdown we watched episodes of Cowboy Bebop together using Zoom and rewatched it together once we together in the UK. We watched and re-watched many of Studio Ghibli's classics, with Princess Mononoke being his favourite. And we enjoyed reading Toshikazu Kawaguchi's Before The Coffee Gets Cold together.

This week I encourage you to enjoy a piece of Japanese culture in his honour. I'd recommend watching the film Perfect Days. ありがとう (thank you)

Bone Apple Tooft

Tuesday 25th Feb
Ben and I agreed our love had 3 main pillars - silliness, adventure, and food. While I’d love to get into all three of those, I’m focusing on the ‘food’ one today.

We loved to eat and drink coffee. No matter where we were in the world, a highlight of our day would be what we had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or what we snacked on in between. During the week we’d pop our heads into each other’s work spaces and say “coffee?” in a Brooklyn accent (“cawffee?”) in the hopes of breaking up the mundanity of working from home. Nine times out of ten the other one would agree without hesitation and we’d set off to get our caffeine fix. Ben had a particular love for Storm In a Teacup, and would whisper to me “you can tell he really cares” while we watched Ian skillfully pour our drinks.

Ben’s favourite home cooked meals were my beef bolognese and butternut squash lasagna. Our favourite ready meals were all from Charlie Binghams (or as we called them “Bingy Bois”). The idea of a sushi boat thrilled him and we grabbed sushi to share from Wasabi in Paddington whenever we got the train back to Wales. His favourite dessert was sticky toffee pudding. While I scooped vanilla ice cream on top of my sticky toffee, Ben would pour so much double cream on top of his, it became a dessert of double cream with a side of sticky toffee. We often ended our days having “a cup of herbal” (Pukka tea) together.

Rather than a challenge today, I am sharing some of our favourite places we shared food and drink together over the years. I hope you have either enjoyed these gems already or get the chance to try them out. Bone Apple Tooft!

CAFES/COFFEE/BREAKFAST
Coast Cafe, Swansea
Storm In a Teacup, Swansea
Boo’s Kitchen, Mumbles
Crumb Bum Bakery, Littleton
Stewart’s Shops, Malone & Chateaugay
Square Peg, Sketty
The Breakfast Club, Brighton
Joe’s Cafe, Brighton

LUNCH/DINNER
El Pescador, Swansea
Lotus, Swansea
Sticks & Sushi, London (SoHo)
Dishoom, London (Canary Wharf)
Big Slide Brewery, Lake Placid
Ama Cocina, Albany
Little Bay, Gibraltar
Happy Island, Paphos

IN MEMORIAM
Billy & The Chicks, London
Grace St Paul's, London

The story behind the title of this post is our play on the French mimic of ‘bon appétit’. Ben liked to tap on my front tooth and say ‘tooft’, which ultimately found its way into our mimic of ‘bone apple teeth’.

Minor Corrections!

Thursday 20th Feb
A year ago today Ben passed his doctoral viva. He was nervous for weeks leading up, convinced that his thesis wasn’t up to scratch and he would fail. I reminded him that it’s unlikely his academic supervisor would allow him to submit his thesis if he didn’t think it was good enough. Still, he went off the morning of his viva convinced he was headed into a lion’s den. A few hours later I got texts from him saying ‘Passed x’ and ‘Unreal’. When he returned, he told me with disbelief that not only had he passed, but had done so with minor corrections. The following week he’d randomly say “Minor corrections!” out loud to himself with a smile and a chuckle, about what he considered to be dumb luck. 

But it wasn’t dumb luck. Ben was incredibly intelligent, passionate, and held himself to an incredibly high standard. He worked hard to complete his doctorate and it didn’t come without its challenges. During a particularly difficult time, he purchased four small Sprite cans that he kept in the fridge and told me, “I’m going to drink one of those cans every time I’m seriously considering giving up on this EngD. When I drink the last one, I will stop working on it.” Those cans came and went but he never drank the last one.

For this post my challenge to you is to be curious and enthusiastic about your passions, as Ben was. His thesis is available to view here:
 
https://cronfa.swansea.ac.uk/Record/cronfa66887/Details 

and an online remembrance book created by his work colleagues is available to view here: 

https://rememberancebook.net/book/dr-benjamin-cummings/ 

B-Side Ben

Friday 14th Feb
Ben loved music. Prince, George Michael, Justin Timberlake, John Mayer, Jamiroquai, David Bowie, Elton John, and Michael Jackson - just to name a few. In addition to their popular work, he liked to listen to their lesser known work, their "b-sides", if you will. Hence one of the nicknames I gave him, B-Side Ben. Aside from obscure tracks, Ben's music taste leaned towards funky beats and unexpected covers. I challenge you to listen to an artist's lesser known work, bop to a funky beat, or look for covers of classics as a nod to Ben's love for music.

I've compiled some of his favourites into a playlist for you to check out here: 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0JdsDTUgrWalV7gniei1uU?si=9orkOjICTjWDto-7_26epQΠ=Um9KRAibQ--qu  

Thank you to my Sponsors

£500

Kate Carpenter

I'm deeply moved by your loss, as a widow, as an admin for the widowed-young charity https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/ and in my day job which includes suicide prevention on the transport network, I have seen how those left behind are affected when someone takes their life. I'm pleased to support this worthy cause

£500

Your Friends And Colleagues At Steer

Good luck - we’re right behind you!

£212

Sarah J Mulverhill

For 'Ole Benny Boy

£148

Anonymous

Stay strong ❤️

£106

Mary Lamb

Thank you for being his one and only.

£65

Anonymous

£53

Nolan Fergusson

£53

James Gleave

£53

Anonymous

£53

Trudy Latour

Your strength, love, and dedication is beyond admirable. I will forever treasure the moments you and Ben shared with our family.

£50

Your Darling Lady Wife

"As painful as this has been, and if the outcome was the same, I'd still choose to meet you, fall in love with you, and build a life with you."

£50

Alison Brown

lots of love to you my sweet friend xx

£50

Maisie Niall

To our bestie Beno.

£50

Ian Walker

£50

Claire Oneill

Huge respect and biggest hugs x

£50

Steven Bishop

Bon courage, Katie!

£42.40

Renata

Sending love

£31.87

Dom

Sorry to hear about your loss. Great way to honour and raise awareness. Goodluck and hope you enjoy the event.

£26.50

A

I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for raising awareness for mental health and for sharing your experience. Love, from someone who once contemplated not being here anymore either.

£26.50

Mulverhill Kirk

£26.50

Anonymous

£26.50

Edward Downer

£26.50

David Mathewson

Dear Katie - Words cannot express how sad I was to hear your terrible news. I hope you know many of us are routing for you and thinking of you often. Remember that many family members, friends and colleagues are supporting you and are here to help you if and when you need. Big hug, David

£26.50

Brian Richard

£26.50

Glenn Lyons

Thinking of you Katie and so sorry for the weight you are bearing. The strength you are showing in the face of your loss is an inspiration. Take care. 💙

£26.50

David Murphy

Thoughts are with you. Wish you all the best for your challenge.

£26.50

Elaina

I’m so sorry for your loss, Katie. Thank you for sharing your love for Ben with us even in such a hard time.

£26.50

Anonymous

Thank you for courageous LinkedIn post 🙏

£25

Russell Love

Good luck!

£25

Ed Wills

Really sorry to hear your news Katie

£21.84

Anna Rothnie

Thinking of you, Katie ❤️

£21.20

Andrew Bradley

Wishing you strength, peace and hope at this difficult time. Andrew

£20

James Dyson

I'm so sorry for your loss, Katie. Wishing you all the best - take it easy and be kind to yourself. You've picked a great charity to support with your fundraising, good luck with the run!

£10.60

Nicholas Sanderson

£10.60

Russell Henderson

£10.60

Sam Clift

£10.60

Zoe Banks Gross

£10.60

Dan Bush

£10.60

Tricia Shaw

So sorry for your loss.

£10.60

Anonymous

Beyond blame is the understanding that not all is able to be understood. The mind can take one down a wrong path - it nearly did for me. The donation is for others; the message for you. Hold on to that courage in all that you do.

£10.60

Roxanne Warrilow

£10.60

Jenny

💙

£10.60

Yvette Sethy

I’m so sorry to hear this news, you are so brave. Sending love and peace to you ,

£10.60

Grace Solsby

You are so strong!

£10.60

Elliot Reid

£10.60

Renee

Thinking of you in this hard time.

£10.60

Natasha Brown

£10.60

Katie Rees

💚💚

£10.60

Charlotte Price

Good luck Katie, Ben would be so proud of all you are doing ❤️ Thinking of you daily, our funny friend Ben, and treasuring the loveliest memories ❤️

£10

Rhiannon Williams

£10

Juliana Reimberg

Good luck on your backyard ultra!

£10

Usashi Chatterjee

Good luck!

£10

Anonymous

Your post took my breath away. 🩹

£10

Tristan Thorn

£10

Anonymous

£10

Sarah Bailey

Thinking of you ❤️ Wishing you all the best for your challenge & raising money for such an important cause xx

£10

Anonymous

£5

Anonymous

Sending strength to everyone battling the mind