In Honour of Dr Ben Cummings

Carrot Cake

Ben was good at just about everything. He could pick up any instrument and play it, and mastered games on his first time playing. But one of the few things I was better at than him was running. We ran together on a few occasions and I’ll never forget the first time Ben hit ‘runner’s high’. “I feel like I could run forever! Let’s keep going!” he said as we approached Croeso Lounge, where we’d planned to get brunch together. We continued towards Mumbles Pier with Ben smiling big the whole way.

I ran the Cambridge half marathon last year alongside Em Clarkson and some amazing women from the Have A Gos (HAGs) - shout out to Jessie, Tara, and Alice! As a huge Top Gear fan, I knew Ben would be starstruck by Em’s presence so I didn’t tell him I was running with her. I had hoped he wouldn’t recognise her but unfortunately I’d shared too many of her posts with him through the years so he knew straight away. He whispered loudly to me “Is that Em Clarkson?? Why didn’t you tell me you were running with her?!”. I replied, “Because I knew you’d act weird!”. He scoffed and said, “I won’t act weird - I’m not acting weird!”. Then he proceeded to act weird, starstruck about being in her presence as I predicted. He had made a homemade sign donned with the words ‘GO KATIE’, ‘FAST’, ‘SPEED’, and ‘SHE DOIN IT’ which he proudly held up each time I ran by him during the race. 

When I ran the Fox Hill half marathon in 2023, I took a hard fall at about 3 miles in. My leggings had ripped open, I had open wounds on both of my palms, and a gash in my knee. I kept running and by the time I saw Ben at the first spectator point at mile 5, I was full of adrenaline so I slowed down but kept running past him, showing him my bleeding palms and shouted “I FELL!!” His face fell and he shouted back “ARE YOU OK??!” I smiled and gave him a thumbs up. We just missed each other at mile 7 but when I saw him again at mile 9, he ran alongside me for a bit and I gave him a debrief on my fall. He said how proud of me he was that I kept running and told me he’d be waiting for me at the finish line. When I crossed the finish line, Ben gave me a big hug and handed me a surprise iced coffee that he’d gotten me.

On New Year's Day in 2021 I woke up with the ambition to run a half marathon. At that point my longest distance had been 6 miles and I hadn’t been training for a half marathon. In fact, I hadn’t been running much at all in the months before. But I wanted to prove to myself that I could do anything I put my mind to. Ben cycled alongside me for most of the run, aside from miles 10 and 11 where he disappeared after telling me “I’ll be right back!”. I was annoyed that he’d left me alone for some of the hardest miles. But when he rejoined me at mile 12, he presented me with a slice of carrot cake that he’d gotten for me. “Sorry it took me so long to get back to you, the queue at the cafe was so slow!”. This was at a time where I didn’t know gels existed and didn’t have the faintest idea about fuelling. At 2 hours in, I was fading fast and I know I would not have been able to complete my first half marathon if it had not been for the carrot cake Ben got me.

I’ve run consistently for 2 years now but first got the bug for running 10 years ago. I’ve learned a lot over the years and it’s amazing to see how far I’ve come each year. Running is a game of you against you, almost entirely taking place in your mind. This weekend will be the ultimate test of my mind’s strength. Running 125 miles in less than a day and a half is an illogical goal. But I know that I can do anything I put my mind to, and that Ben will be alongside me in spirit the entire way.

About Time

Love & Pain

Ben and I referred to ourselves as “Power Couple”. It might sound big headed, but to us it signified how we felt that when we were together we had the power to achieve anything. We accomplished so much as a team. We always practised our presentations for each other - “I wasn’t nervous at all when I did my presentation because you’d been so hard on me during our practice!”. We both disliked the mundane tasks of meal planning and cooking, so we collaborated on our weekly menus and shared the tasks of cooking and cleaning (you cook, I clean). We cheered each other on in our own way “She/he doin’ it!”, “Proud of you!”, “Smashing it!”. And we fought hard to be together.

But grief is complicated. And so was my relationship with Ben. I’ve been sharing pieces of his life each week because he meant so much to me, but this week has been hard. It’s been a year since our relationship changed forever, and I’m feeling a lot of conflicting emotions. I’m grieving the loss of the Ben that I love so deeply, while also struggling with the pain of how our relationship deteriorated. Loving someone who was hurting so much that they hurt you too is something I’m still trying to process. It’s messy and it’s confusing. Some days I want nothing more than to talk to him again and other days I can’t bear to look at photos of him.

I’m sharing this because love and pain can coexist. Because grief isn’t always beautiful or simple. And because I still want to honour him, even when it’s difficult, as well as honour the journey I’ve been on. Through the support groups I’ve joined since Ben’s passing, I’m learning how common this thread is - losing someone before they’re gone forever. While honouring all of my emotions, I am also reminding myself that the last years of Ben’s life do not define him.   

I’m learning that grief isn’t something you conquer, it’s something you learn to live with. As much as it hurts at times, I’m also finding moments of healing and connection along the way. Sharing Ben’s story is part of that healing. Thank you for being here with me and for supporting Rethink Mental Illness. Your kindness means more than words can say.

Happy Birthday My Love 💚

いつも (Always)

Among many things, we shared a love for Japanese culture. We'd planned to spend our 5th marriage anniversary in Japan. As I mentioned in a previous post, Ben absolutely loved sushi. We even attempted to make it ourselves a few times, with varying success. When he was ill I would make him miso soup and he swore it healed him quicker.

The main way we enjoyed Japanese culture was through art. Our shower curtain was Katsushika Hokusai's Wave. He had several notebooks with Hokusai's art on them too. We visited Yayoi Kusama's exhibit at the Tate Modern and saw an incredible live performance of My Neighbour Totoro at the Barbican. Through lockdown we watched episodes of Cowboy Bebop together using Zoom and rewatched it together once we together in the UK. We watched and re-watched many of Studio Ghibli's classics, with Princess Mononoke being his favourite. And we enjoyed reading Toshikazu Kawaguchi's Before The Coffee Gets Cold together.

This week I encourage you to enjoy a piece of Japanese culture in his honour. I'd recommend watching the film Perfect Days. ありがとう (thank you)

Bone Apple Tooft

Minor Corrections!

B-Side Ben